The One I Don’t Share

This is going to be a short one I think. It’s not going to be the most read or clicked on blog post because it’s not going to be shared. If you’re reading this now, I don’t know why you are here. Maybe you are curious as to the other articles I have written and the title caught your attention. I’ve turned off Grammarly to let me write my thoughts in peace. So while this text may contain spelling and grammar mistakes, these words are my own.

Lately I’ve been feeling the need to become the person I will be in one year. I want to be searching for jobs that align with my skillset, practice interviwing and coding exams, and research how to convert my student permit into a work visa. All is well in being proactive but this goes a step further. This feels like control of the uncertainity of big changes. In one year’s time, I hope to be finishing up, writting, and submitting my thesis. But then what? Who would I be? What would I do?

Being a meme PhD researcher has been a big part of my identity for the past five years. Though I don’t realize it everyday, I love this job and the things I am discovering. It does come with some heavy cons like the burden of being a scientist and feelings to worthlessness during comparisons of other researchers. However, all in all, I am a big fish in a small pond. And it feels good to be competent in my field.

But what happens when I don’t want to stay in my field? What happens when I decide I need to make a change? Would it be as easy as it has been for me to pursue a PhD? Would someone, a company, a team take a chance on my long-term potential? Would I even pick the right role and industry by chance? Unlike other fields like engineering, a degree in meme psychology has ambigious industrial alternatives. Should I be a digital marketer or a data analyst in a tech company or something entirely different?

But the biggest question of them all is why now? What is happeneing today that has triggered this tremedous need for control? When I started the PhD, my goal is to finish with a job lined up already. Could it be from the pressure of this worthwhile goal creeping in the closer I get to graduation? In addition, I want to stay in Europe. Could the be that I want to speed up the complicated burerucratic matters that determine my fate here? It’s likely a mix of both and unfaith in my future self to get it all done.

Next week, I turn 25 years old. Perhaps this anxiety about the future is the activation charge of my newly fully developed pre-fontral cortex. I am just taking it out for a test drive. Whatever it is, I have to remeber this is also a part of the journey. Instead of forcing myself to stop thinking about it, taking time away from my present self, and taking choices away from my future self, I will try to accept what is.

So, while this post was a “throwaway” post that I used to keep my weekly blog numbers up, I hope I can read this in the future and remeber the girl I am today. I am scared, I am brave, I will be prepared, and I will not derailed.

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